The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it The next day the kids
came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story
about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got
hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask
of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way
down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle
of twenty enemy troops She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran
out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the Hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

and of course.. for the grand finale
http://thehaloclan.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=29

"SUMMARY STATEMENT" FROM CROWN REVIEW OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate? If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States,"and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and curricula vita of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Twenty copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

quote:Originally posted by Father Cajone

"SUMMARY STATEMENT" FROM CROWN REVIEW OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate? If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States,"and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and curricula vita of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Twenty copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown




Laff, that is why we beat them then too much bureaucracy.

Kinda reminds me of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy too. laff

Id rather listen to Vogon poetry.. (wince)


Oh freddled gruntbuggly,
Thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits
On a lurgid bee.
Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes
And hooptiously drangle me
with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon
See if I don't.

Please throw me from an airlock now.

Warning: Airlock override engaged, Bay 2-Alpha is secure for space atmosphere. Darkstarbase you were an outstanding member of this crew and will be sorely missed. [:P]

quote:Originally posted by Darkstarbase

Id rather listen to Vogon poetry.. (wince)


Oh freddled gruntbuggly,
Thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits
On a lurgid bee.
Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes
And hooptiously drangle me
with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon
See if I don't.

Please throw me from an airlock now.


Okay, but remember, don't forget your towel, you never know when you may need it.

WAIT!!! I didnt post the next stanza!!!

Gashee morphousite, thou expungiest quoopisk!
Fripping lyshus wimbgunts, awhilst moongrovenly kormzibs.
Bleem miserable venchit! Bleem forever mestinglish asunder frapt!
Gerond withoutitude form into formless bloit, why not then? Moose.


OK I am ready now.

Witless Humor!

1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids.

What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef!

Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat..

What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.....

......................................................

People Really Said These Things In Court! (according to the email)

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

I really liked the last question and answer session on the autopsy, that is good.

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident." I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!"

Microsoft Nearing Completion of Death Star



Redmond, WA -- Microsoft announced that it will complete construction of its newest Death Star by mid October, in a press conference given Wednesday.

With all of humanity likely to crumple beneath the iron grip of Microsoft come October, widespread panic has ensued. More than 30 rebellion uprisings have taken place only to meet with failure at the hands of Microsoft's superior fleet.

"This is necessary for Earth's survival," said Bill Gates, chair and founder of Microsoft, speaking from his luxury box above the slave arena.

The death star, the most powerful weapon in the universe, will give Microsoft unbridled power in the realm of world domination.

Gates said he plans on using the death star to destroy the moon, and cease all tidal activity on Earth in an awesome display of the power Microsoft Windows Vista.

"Darkness will reign eternal," said Gates. "Society will once again know the power of the left hand of Microsoft and will tremble at the right."

Society is not pleased.

"This is the second time Microsoft has been up to no good," said Deena Williams, 17 of Massapequa, NY. "Do they think we've forgotten about their 'giant ray gun of peace and justice?'

Chicago resident James Fargo, 62, says that he suspects that the death star may not be all that Gates promises.

"I suspected something was wrong with those new rules about giving up your first born son," said Fargo.

"Something tells me that a giant weapon larger than Earth hovering above San Francisco can't be as good as they say it will be."

Microsoft insists it is. The death star will provide for the quick and economical usurpation of all world power, according to Steve Ballmer, CEO.

"I don't see how that could be even remotely bad for us," said Balmer.

Microsoft shares were up on the news.

[:P] [url="http://www.jdstiles.com/java/woody2.html"]Nature has a sense of humor, go figure![/url] [:P]

I miss you FC

Golf in Ireland ~



An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the
woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his
back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it
over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three
wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in
relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I
apologize."

And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says
to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I
would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a
fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the
American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive
into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.

"I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an
internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to
see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you
know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need
cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't
even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and
says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know
if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
"Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only
once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic
priest in a small parish."