The Draft

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some Butthole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real stretch.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ......with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Lord!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

THIS IS WHY ITALIANS SHOULD "NOT" BE PARAMEDICS!


Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting. Suddenly, Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, 'I think my friend Sal is dead! What should I do?'

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, you should make sure he's dead.'

There is a silence .. and then a shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay... Now what?"

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.


The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow--but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released--and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so it is safe.

For now. . . .

Lol,

There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife,"Look honey. Its raining." She, being the obstinate type, responded,"I don't think so, dear. I think its snowing." But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife,"Let's step outside and we'll find out." Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Ouch!

Helix

It's Never Too Late To Learn!


An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.. She turned to him and asked, 'Were you really a pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I was a pilot..'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'well I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to
destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You
wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why
I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and
snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the
Declaration of Independence ."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe
and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist
Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al- Zarqawi
wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting
for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing.
The following was developed as a mental age assessment
by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10.This is for cat.

11.This is forty cat.

12.This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down
and I’ll bet you can’t resist passing it on

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Biscuit, and was in the checkout line when woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's a-s-s and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore... Better watch
what you ask retired people . They have all the time in the world to
think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your
retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the day

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one
orders a beer, the second orders half a beer the third asks for a
quarter of a beer. Before the next one can speak, the bartender says
"You're all idiots", and pours two beers.

Jim and Roger were patients in a Mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped in to
the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

Roger promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of
Rogers heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the
hospital, considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Roger the news he said, "Roger, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since
you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think
you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved,
hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry,
but he's dead."

Roger replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Subject: .Good exercise if you are over 50
Cardiovascular Health-Simple Exercise

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass. If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina.
Warning: It may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

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NOW SCROLL UP.
That's enough for the first day. Great job. Have a beer!

THE BEER BILL OF RIGHTS
by Jim Kasprzak, Jeff Jankowski and Ron Sperber
with a little inspiration from
the Founding Fathers of the United States

1. Congress shall make no law disrespecting an establishment of beer,
or prohibiting the free consumption thereof; or abridging the freedom
of bar service, or of brewing; or the right of the people peacably to
assemble, and to petition the bartender for a round of beers.

2. A well-stocked bar being necessary to the security of a free State,
the right of the people to brew and consume beer shall not be infringed.

3. No beer shall, in time of heat be quartered in any house without
refrigeration, nor in time of cold, except in a manner prescribed by law.

4. The right of the people to be secure in their beer, bottles, glasses,
and brewing effects, against unreasonable searches and seziures, shall
not be violated, and no last calls shall be issued, but upon the proper
time, supported by the clock, and particularly offering the bar patrons
the opportunity to purchase and consume one more beer before closing.

5. No person shall be held to consume a second-rate, or otherwise
infamous beer, unless on presentment or indictment of a large bar bill,
except in cases arising in block parties or backyard barbecues, or at a
fraternity house, when in actual celebration in time of holidays or
sporting events; nor shall any person subject for the same bar bill to
be twice put in jeopardy of cash or credit; nor shall be compelled in
any drinking establishment to purchase beer for anyone other than himself;
nor be deprived of beer without due process of law; nor shall private
stocks of beer be taken for public consumption without just compensation.

6. In all drinking establishments, the patron shall enjoy the right to
speedy and courteous service, by a qualified bartender of the establishment
wherein the beer shall have been ordered, which establishment shall have
been previously licensed by law, and to be informed of the nature and price
of the beer; to be presented with the bar tab against him; to have
compulsory process for obtaining the beer which was ordered, and to have
the assistance of the bartender for service.

7. In bills at drinking establishments, where the value in controversy
shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of service shall be preserved,
and no tab presented by a bartender shall be otherwise re-examined in
any drinking establishment in the United States, than according to the
rules of the common law.

8. Excessive drinking shall not be required, nor excessive prices imposed,
nor cruel and unusual beers inflicted.

9. The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain beers, shall not be
construed to deny or disparage others consumed by the people.

10. The beers not supplied to the bars by mass marketing, nor brewed
in microbreweries, are reserved to the brewpubs respectively, or to the
people.