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 "Oh my God." 
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Lieutenant J.G.
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Unread post Re:
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers and says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers and I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder and asks if his bet still good. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? The Irishman replies, Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

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Thu May 06, 2010 6:27 am
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Unread post Re:
A man in a Supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The
very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of
lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his
manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,

'Some Butthole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his
sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,

'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'


Tue May 18, 2010 9:39 am
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Unread post Re: How To Come Home Drunk and Still Get a Hot Breakfast
So this husband wakes up with a HUGE hangover the night after a business function.

Cloudy-headed and in pain, he forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin and a glass of water on the side table. Next to the aspirin and water stands a single red rose!

He sits up in bed and sees his clothes for the day right there in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes as he turns on the bathroom light and notices a post-it on the mirror:

Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also sitting at the table, eating. Sheepishly, he asks, "Hey, son...what happened last night?"

"Oh last night? Well, you came home sometime after 3 am, drunk out of your mind."

"Was it bad?"

"Well, you broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and almost broke your nose when you ran into the bedroom door."

"Okay...so, why'd your Mom clean everything up, get out my clothes and make me breakfast?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Well, when Mom got you into the bedroom last night she tried to undress you. And when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed...

...'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!'".


Fri May 21, 2010 4:16 am
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Unread post Re: Hitler banned from WoW for botting
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuGxEpQ3Qh0&NR=1


Mon May 24, 2010 4:49 am
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Unread post Re:
Nothing going right?

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.

" I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then a wise Butt like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

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Mon Jun 07, 2010 11:32 pm
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Unread post Re:
Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"


Mon Jun 14, 2010 5:40 am
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Unread post Re:
An Irish farmer walking through his field in the Gaelteacht (a Gaelic speaking area) notices a man drinking from his
pond.
The farmer shouts: "Ná ól an uisce sin, bhí na ba ag déanamh cácamas ann".
Which means: "Don't drink that water; the cows were shitting in it".
The man shouts back: "I'm from Dublin city, I don't understand. Please speak in
English.".
The farmer says: "Use two hands; you'll get more".


Tue Jun 15, 2010 4:50 am
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Unread post Re:
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

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Tue Jun 15, 2010 5:44 am
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Unread post Re:
My friend said to me, "My wife makes Susan Boyle look beautiful."

I said, "Thank God you said that. I've been wanting to say something for years. She's so god Darn ugly. What were you thinking when you married her?"

He said, "...No, you flipping idiot, she's Susan's new personal make-up artist."

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Sat Jun 19, 2010 12:11 am
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Unread post Re:
Teacher to class: "What does your dad do at weekends?"

Little boy: "He's a dancer in a gay bar, and sometimes if the money's right he lets punters have sex with him up the arse and shoot their load in his mouth"

Teacher takes the boy outside, and asks him, "is that true?".

"No miss, i made it all up, my dad is Rob Green but I'm too embarrassed to admit that"

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Gul D'Tek (The Cardassian Hitman)
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I'm a TW and #SD# ing you was my idea!

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.~ J.T.Kirk


Sat Jun 19, 2010 1:20 am
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Unread post Re:
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him.........

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Gul D'Tek (The Cardassian Hitman)
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I'm a TW and #SD# ing you was my idea!

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.~ J.T.Kirk


Sun Jun 20, 2010 7:01 am
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Unread post 
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Last edited by Kavanagh on Tue Jun 28, 2011 5:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Tue Jun 22, 2010 9:01 am
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Unread post Re:
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, payed me a visit.
As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed
Windows 7 on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating
system and showed him the Windows 7 CD. To my surprise he threw
it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got
very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said:
'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD
out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my
surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier
than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner
edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, an inscription finer
than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone
piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC98D444AA08E1324

'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said.
'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode,
but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter
here. But in common English this is what it says:'

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them


Mon Jul 12, 2010 5:17 am
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Unread post Re: Punishment for Gates
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."


Tue Jul 13, 2010 9:22 am
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Unread post Restaurants
Subject: Restaurants

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner.
Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the restaurant had Early Bird Specials, was wheel chair accessible, and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.


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Tue Jul 13, 2010 4:43 pm
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