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 "Oh my God." 
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Gameop
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Unread post THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED!
THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED!

A friend told me the other day that a product called "Ortho Max Home Defense" , a very popular and effective insecticide, may be unsafe for people to use due to cancer risk.

I decided to run a search on Yahoo for "Ortho Home Defense Cancer" to see if any warnings would come up and one of the results at the very top of the search was the following:

Cancer Cheap
Best Value on Home Cancer. Find NexTag Sellers' Lowest Price.
http://www.NexTag.com


Arrrrrg,
Sage :wink:

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Thu Oct 01, 2009 9:38 am
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Unread post Re:
Gotta love Nextag and the rest for the way they alway find just what you are not looking for.

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Thu Oct 01, 2009 11:59 pm
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Lieutenant J.G.
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Unread post Annual Dementia Test
Your Yearly Dementia Test


It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to
gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?















Answer: 'bread.'
If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say 'silk ' five times. Now spell 'silk..'
What do cows drink?












Answer: Cows drink water.
If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.
Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.


3. If a red house is made from red bricks
and a blue house is made from blue bricks
and a pink house is made from pink bricks
and a black house is made from black bricks,
what is a green house made of?













Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said 'green bricks,' why the hell are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can
do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany .
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?

















Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.
If you said, 'You don't bury survivors',
proceed to the next question

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .
In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get
on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.

You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
















Answer: Don't you remember your own name?
It was YOU!!

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Wed Oct 07, 2009 7:48 pm
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Unread post Re:
This is flagged as TRUE by Snopes, the site that investigates urban legends. It is about an FBI team investigating insurance fraud at a hospital.

http://www.snopes.com/medical/asylum/fbipizza.asp


Thu Oct 08, 2009 10:57 am
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Lieutenant J.G.
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Unread post Re: And then the fight started
And then the fight started...
_________________________


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you? "

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's Darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

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Thu Oct 15, 2009 8:06 pm
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Unread post Re: Diet and Nutrition
For those of you who watch what you eat,
here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION......

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

:wink:

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Thu Oct 29, 2009 4:08 pm
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Unread post Re:
BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR


A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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Mon Nov 02, 2009 10:12 am
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Unread post Re:
Indian Hell


An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He's told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man doesn't like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He's told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

But that exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair doesn't work, someone stole all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former BIA agent, so he comes in, signs the register and goes to the casino..."

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Sun Nov 08, 2009 3:31 pm
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Location: Miami,Florida: Beautiful And So Conveniently Close To The United States!
Unread post FIVE IMPORTANT RULES FOR MEN!
FIVE IMPORTANT RULES FOR MEN!


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

:wink:

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Tue Nov 17, 2009 7:50 pm
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Joined: Wed Aug 13, 2008 11:05 pm
Posts: 91
Unread post Re:
The name's just Fred.....


A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'


The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'


The officer walked away in tears, laughing.


Sun Nov 22, 2009 10:36 pm
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Location: Miami,Florida: Beautiful And So Conveniently Close To The United States!
Unread post THE PARROT
Subject: The Parrot


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.. Every word out of the
bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back.. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and
even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was
about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"



Wishing you a very Happy Thanksgiving!!!



Sage :wink:

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Sun Nov 22, 2009 10:46 pm
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Unread post Re:
25 signs you have grown up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good crap."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh crap, what the hell happened?"

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Sun Nov 22, 2009 11:19 pm
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Unread post Re:
DEFINITIONS FOR MY HUSBAND ON THANKSGIVING DAY

PLAYBOOK: Also known as my cookbook, to be kept in plain sight at all times, if the book gets moved, the game could get ugly.

OFFSIDES: Silverware is to be set next to the plates... off to the side dear, not tossed in the middle of the table in a heap, for all to scramble for.

GAME TIME: This is when the food must all be on the table, at the same time, at the same temperature (preferably hot) so that the *teams* may meet at the arena (Table) for the coach to say the prayer.

TEAM SPIRIT: That which shall be upheld until the END of the game. When the coach (ME) has heard the fat lady sing (AUNT MARTHA saying that she's had enough to eat).

COMMERCIAL BREAKS: There will be NONE for us, until I deem them totally necessary for my sanity, when you have made me crazy!

PENALTIES: Will be given if there is no team spirit showing and the game time is DELAYED or offsides have occurred due to a certain *televised* football game engaging your attention!

HOLDING: May be necessary of several large bowls, so that I may pour gravy without staining my new silk blouse. And keep in mind dear, I am HOLDING the clicker for the T.V. for ransom ;).

TOUCHDOWNS: Please make them gentle when bowls are being touched down on the table, do not spike them, do not dance when the mission is complete!

FLAG ON THE PLAY: When something is spilled, PLEASE by all means throw a towel down on it and mop it up!

RUSHING: What we will be doing a lot of!!

and last but not least...

GROOMING THE FIELD: Dear husband, if you help me through this meal, as I know you will, I promise to RECRUIT new players for the clean up and YES... in plenty of time for you to enjoy the REAL GAME!!!

by Shan Kish

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Tue Nov 24, 2009 5:43 am
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1st Sergeant

Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2008 3:40 pm
Posts: 39
Location: Ireland
Unread post Re:
Forum won't allow me in as Kavanagh so here goes:

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

Please answer all questions before scrolling down for the answers.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below.

SCROLL DOWN, DOWN, DOWN !

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange,
of course.


Mon Nov 30, 2009 7:54 am
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Posts: 1409
Location: Boo! inc. Ireland
Unread post Re:
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed
to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take
only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take
them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went
down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."


Tue Dec 01, 2009 10:50 am
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