WHY worry about Democrats versus Republicans-------relax, here is our real problem.

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States . It is pretty simple:

The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.
In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating
"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that vote in our elections!
They breed and they walk among us…

Global Facts About Sex


At Any Given Moment:







FACT:


79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.







FACT:


58,000,000 are kissing.







FACT:


37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.







FACT:


1 old person is reading emails.







You hang in there, Sunshine ......

HER DIARY / HIS DIARY



HER DIARY:
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar
to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought
he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk. He agreed but he kept very quiet. I asked him what was wrong;
he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I
love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.

He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed.. About 10 minutes later he came to bed,
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still
felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:

Today the Packers lost, but at least I got laid.

MY POINT EXACTLY!

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,
'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story.
'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead
of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were
his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'
'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..
Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

An old farmer in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to
the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed
a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it
was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of
the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old
man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make
you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he added, "I'm only
here to feed the alligator."

Note to self: swallow the coffee in your mouth before opening this topic. Now if ya'll will excuse me, i have to go clean my keyboard and monitor.........

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security


Hernias 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172

Enlarged Prostates 8,249

Breast Implants 59,350

Natural Blondes 3


Terrorist Plots Discovered 0

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit afortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break......?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a nasty name.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.

So Bev questioned his ancestry. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.

Subject: How to Start a Fight


HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to
drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors.. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's Darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.


Sage