someone sent me this in an email.....

HAVE YOU BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"
I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME
HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE
SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS
BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO
HAVE
BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM,...OR COULD HE?
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK
HIGH SCHOOL. "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU
ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-*****
ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS. (for sure!!!)

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy-bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ***ed to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body-slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Tommy

did he mention he is from cananda "a" ? lol thats funny **** lonestar

Okay these three men were in heaven, waiting for ST.Peter to let them in.

St. Peter went to the first man and asked how he died, which the man replied" I had come home early from work and caught my wife naked in bed, so I figured she was cheating on me, i looked around the room and found nobody, then I looked on the terrace and saw a pair of hands from someone hanging from the rail, so I went and got our refrigerator and pushed it out over the terrce to drop on him and on its way over the cord got wrapped up around my leg and the next thing I know is waking up here.

St. Peter said okay accidental death you can come in.

Then St. Peter went to the second man and asked how he died.

The man replied. I was working out and listening to my radio while working out, I had it out on the terrace rail, and along came a gust of wind and blew my radio over the edge, I dived to catch it and went over the rail with it. Luckily I caught hold on the rail from the appartment below me, then came this refrigerator over the rail, then the next thing I remember is waking up here.

St. Peter said okay wrongful death by refrigerator, you can come in.

Now St. Peter came to the third man and asked him how he died.

To which the man began to explain. I was in another mans apartment sleeping with his wife, then suddenly he had come home and I had to hide. I hid in the refrigerator, which started to move and shake, and the next thing I know is I am here...

The moral here is when seeing someone else's wife, don't hide in a refrigerator. It causes too many deaths. St. Peter replied, and told the man he must wait for a while before entering.

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls
emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing
later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill
in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil
and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and
close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek
and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the Darn cat
from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who
crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take
last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws
with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and
pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and call local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Dang that sounds like you were trying to feed a pill to my old bobcat, course I am not stupid enough to try to feed a 50 pound wild cat a pill, that is what the vet is for, but that scenario is a nice one. Thanks!

Top 10 things to do to telemarketers!

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you
asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the h-l she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends ....would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if
they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if
they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say good bye - and Hang up.

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

1. And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down!

# 3, the Seinfeld method I love that one! [:D]

quote:Originally posted by RexxCrow

# 3, the Seinfeld method I love that one! [:D]


I used it...got the number and caught the perpetrator at dinnertime and left my comments! hehehehe What an idiot!

FYI. [:D]

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.....

Keep this circulating


I can't verify all of the countries for these items, but the point is well made.

Buy "Made in USA" to keep US workers employed

Can't afford to buy things made in the USA- minimum wage and taxes are too high! Viva Canada!

Dangerous computer virus alert :

Watch out for these new viruses - - Neither Symantec, Norton, nor McAfee have solutions as yet!!!

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your computer, each time you turn it on.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and
re-counting.

The Bob Dole (a.k.a. Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Attacks only minor files.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves... but will be back!

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

Show And Tell
By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!’ ”

Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."

Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe." "They started counting, but never even got past ten." "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center; so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

[quote]Originally posted by Sage

FYI. [:D]

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.....

Keep this circulating


I can't verify all of the countries for these items, but the point is well made.

Buy "Made in USA" to keep US workers employed





Amen, Amen, Amen[:(]

Passports in france.

At a French airport... A group of American retired
teachers recently went to France on a tour. Robert
Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, was part of the
tour group.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his
passport in his carry-on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the
customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting
admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't
have to show it."

"Impossible!" barked the officer. "Americans always
have to show your passports on arrival in France."
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard
look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore
at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country,

I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."