Training for Upper Management

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the
buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

COUNTRY WISDOM (Old advice, but so true).

Don't name a pig you plan to eat...

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong...

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce...

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance...

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump...

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor...

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled...

Meanness don't happen overnight...

Forgive your enemies: It messes with their heads...

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow...

Don't corner something meaner than you...

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge...

You can't unsay a cruel thing...

Every path has some puddles...

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty...

The best sermons are lived, not preached...

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens...

Don't squat with your spurs on...

Don't judge people by their relatives...

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer...

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time...

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none...

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance...

It's better to be a has-been than a never-was...

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swallow...

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'...

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't...

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep...

Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got...

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning...

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around...

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think...

Only cows know why they stampede...

Always drink upstream from the herd...

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya...

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment...

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in...

You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'til they get thumped...

Never miss a good chance to shut up...

I ain't done, but that's enough for today...Like I said before: Know when to shut up!!

Some funny writings:


Analogies & Metaphors

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit
their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high
school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement
of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had
an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city
and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from
Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to. (Almost Shakespearean.)

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but
a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ..... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

( And; last, but not least!)

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

quote:Originally posted by Father Cajone

Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time



The last one Darn near caused me to choke to death

quote:Originally posted by Kavanagh

quote:Originally posted by Father Cajone

Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time



The last one Darn near caused me to choke to death


A lesson to you then: dont drink and read

quote:Originally posted by Silence


A lesson to you then: dont drink and read


I wasnt drinking, it was just coffee.

I am Thankful :

FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH..

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND HAVE BEEN
BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.

Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!

If you think YOU'RE having a bad day at the office, this will put things in perspective! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

hmm I am having a good day compared to that.. that is to funny

Beer Contains Female Hormones!!!

This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones!

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4.Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally
8. Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Where did Whiteman go wrong?



An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex..." Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

so the chicken and the egg were in bed. chicken was smoking a cigarette and looking pleased; egg, grumpy, says, "so i guess that answers THAT question."

On a vacation in Spain, a guy goes to a bullfight. He sees the bull get killed. Afterwards he's looking for somewhere to eat and he comes across a restaurant near the bullring. He goes in and takes a seat. He can't understand anything on the menu, so he just orders the special of the day. The waiter brings out a bowl of broth in which float two large balls.

"What are these?" asks the guy. The waiter explains it's the balls of the bull that was killed in ring that day. The guy's adventurous, so he takes a bite, decides it's delicious and finishes it off.

The next day he's sightseeing but he can't resist going back to the restaurant and ordering "Bullfight Especial". The waiter brings out a bowl, but this time the balls are much smaller. He eats them anyway, finds them delicious but asks the waiter:

"Why were these balls so much smaller than they were yesterday?"

"Well, the bull don't always lose."

Tequilla Christmas Cookies

Here's a great Christmas Cookie recipe that I thought you might want to try
this year:

1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one
cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the
Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ...
just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2
leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, Pick the
frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the
****. If the fried druit gets stuck
in the beaterers just pry it loose with
a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to
check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or
something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon
juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or
somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
the oven.


Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over. Don't forget
to beat off the ****. Finally, throw
the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS