So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for
St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he gives the Irishman his
attention.

"And you are...?" St. Peter asks.

"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.

"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compen-
dious list of people and events. "Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan...you're
a member of the Irish Republican Army."

"Yeh, that'd be me," replies Kevin.

"You blew up that pub in London!"

"Yeh."

"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in
Northumberland."

"Yeh, that's all me work," comes the nonplussed reply.

St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words,
he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in here!"

"Let me in, Hell!" says Kevin. "I come to tell you you've got ten
minutes to get out!"

Good thing for the United States that Sarah Palin can see Russia from her kitchen, grin

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/E/ ... 3-07-03-43

MAKHACHKALA, Russia (AP) -- Beware of 56-year-old Russian women with axes.

A lone wolf attacked Aishat Maksudova outside her sister's home in Russia's province of Dagestan in the North Caucasus Mountains.

The animal bit the farmer on her arm and her leg and she fell to the ground, crying out for help from other villagers. No one was in earshot. So she reached for an ax she had brought along to repair a fence, and with remarkable aplomb, she hit the wolf over the head several times until his teeth unclenched.

The wolf later died.

Maksudova has become a hero in the Caspian Sea province that lies east of Chechnya. She was still being treated for her wounds Tuesday at a local hospital after last week's incident. Doctors said she is recuperating well.

Men - by women
>
>
>
>
>
> One for the ladies
>
>
> One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- Shirt.
> Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What
> setting do I use on the washing machine?'
>
> 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
>
> He yelled back, 'Notre Dame'
>
> And they say blondes are dumb...
>
> -------------------------------------------------------
>
> A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
>
> 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
>
> The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
>
> -------------------------------------------------------
>
> 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of
> the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed
> the lawn like this?'
>
> 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------
>
> Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
>
> A: A rumour
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------
>
> A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
> anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
> because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
>
> The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
>
> Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
>
> The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
>
> Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
>
> Gotta love that fairy!
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Lord,
>
> I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience
> for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to
> death.
>
> -------------------------------------------------
>
> Q: Why do little boys whine?
>
> A: They are practising to be men.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------
>
> Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
>
> A: Trustworthy.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------
>
> Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
> calling your name?
>
> A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------
>
> Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
>
> A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------
>
> Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
>
> A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that’s it... Don't waste heart beats on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer
said, "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned
was burned. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That is quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I am here because
my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my
insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked, "how do you start a flood?"

drat, previous was wrong link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0FkZdhAt9Q

Would you like to hear a ghost joke?













That's the spirit.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Comedy only an ‘expert’ would appreciate.

https://youtu.be/BKorP55Aqvg

Take a cat, attach to underside of cat a slice of buttered toast with the butter facing the cat.
Throw assembly in the air. The cat cannot land on its feet because the toast must land butter side down, but it can't do that because the butter is facing the cat.
The assembly will begin to rotate in the air.
Attach assembly to a generator to get nearly free energy.

Well, until the cat dies nine times anyway!

CLEAN JOKE OF THE DAY
Q: Why are there exactly 239 beans in Irish Bean Soup?
A: Because one more would make it two farty!

One day the Pastor of the church asked all the men who weren't controlled by their wife's to move to the right side of the church. All of the men moved to the right side except for one. The pastor looks at this one man sitting beside his wife on the left side of the church and asked him, "What do you do to keep your wife from controlling you sir?" The man quietly whispered "It was my wife that told me not to move".

A recent TV ratings survey revealed that while viewers in Dubai do not like The Flintstones, viewers in Abu Dhabi do.